i fake it so real i am beyond fake [entries|friends|calendar] I'M A LITTLE DINOSAUR y o u f o n d l e m y t r i g g e r then you b l a m e m y g u n [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

every little thing [27 Aug 2006|01:56pm] [ music | dishwalla ] im always gona worry about the things that could make us cold i hate sleeping all by myself at night. (or anytime of day for that matter.) and its been really hard to. i dont know how many times ive woken up during each night. its been EVERY night since brian hasnt been here. i keep waking up before my alarm clock has the chance to. (which, its been set to 7 or 8 am mostly) aaand...... and i still keep wishing, and waking up thinkin that hes gona be here too. i dont remember my dreams, but i still really think that thats what ive been dreaming about. i keep goin to bed thinking that, by tomorow things will finally work out and itll only be a few hours til hes home. (he says, home is where the heart is. turns out that silly sayings true. hes my home.) (but.. yesterday was tomorow aand today was tomorow. and tomorow probably wont be tomorow like he & i both need it to be.) im hopeless without brian. i couldnt care less about ANYthing not havin to do with him, & getin him out. im very very lonesom. and no matter how many people surround me, without this one person that made/makes me stronger, im gona feel alone & like i am all. by. myself. cause at the end of every night, ever since we've been together, i havent(cant) feel right, or okay, or well, if he isnt with me. he helped make me such a better, stronger girl. more brave, & fearless, & smarter, & so much more sure of myself and my ability to speak/stand up for myself. if it werent for brian caring for me or pushing me & not makin everything easy & candy coated for me, the way that he has... i wouldnt have learned what i have, wouldnt have these MUCH better (&hopeful) views of the world or my life.. im finally interested in having/finding real interests again, like i know i used to. im just.. im so curious now, i wana learn MORE about things he has told me alittle bit about. hes taught me TONS of little things here & there. about everything from knife throwing &fights, to dogs &breeding them, playing pool to cooking pancakes(&NOT burnin them!) from guns to lots of history about san antonio and other countrys. (its amazing to me, how much he knows about his familys history, and how interesting it all is!) since ive been with brian, ive done so many things for the first time that i never wouldve done if it werent with him. i learned about/how to throw knifes!! in 1 weekend(2days!) i went to canyon lake, rode on a boat, &got pulled on a tube behind the boat (i duno what you call that?), the next day, i went to the shooting range and got to shoot skeet with their shotguns! i had never done ANY of those things that weekend, plus, in those 2days, i was more active &did more, used more strength, than i had.... in probably years! i got tough that weekend hah im SO so so much less lazy now. i keep my room up &his too, i make (sometimes even COOK) us something to eat. wash laundry more, &his. and i dont mind doing any of it like i used to. inless i dont feel well or something. i dont ENJOY it, but i do kinda like it, i know hes glad that im not as lazy, and i definetly am too. its like i finally got what ive needed in me to not only consider a/my future, but actually think about what i might want to be happening in it. now i actually care if im happy or will be. i care if i can feel (for) anything, & whether or not i can even tell if i am. for the first time, in a long time, i can actually feel alive. more and more, ive felt like a living being. and i know for a fucking fact, that if it wasnt for brian, for him enlightening me, and saving me, and loving me, without brian, i dont know if, how, or when any of this wouldve happened for me, i certainly wouldnt have any hope for it in me. what he has done for me, is absolutely beautiful. and i am eternally greatful, and thankful for it all. im more than happy to be his girl. i love him. and im missing him very very, very very much. ..and i need him back. im his little dinosaur. and this little dinosaur, she misses blian. he is my very own very special -baby puppy- (said with a russian accent) !! im goin to put money in his western union thing now xo .sami.(manthalebantha) 2 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

help a brother out [20 May 2006|03:32pm] [ music | blonde redhead ] its not fun anymore. not at all like it once was. it hasnt been for a long, long time. only lately, im starting to become more and more aware of it. im sittin here listening to blonde redhead..and its hurting me. physically, i can feel this acheing. not for being sober. but for missing life. living. i am no longer a living being. im in dire need of a LIFE again. in every sense of the term but the breatheing of air. i do nothing. i know no one. all i have in this world is brian. which, needless to say, i am eternally greatful for. but times are wearing on me. terribly. i need friends. i need hobbies. i need things to do. im sick of being pathetic. i have no one that i can simply go and hang out with. just to have fun. and even if i did find someone... what would i wana do. where would i wana go. ..i have no clue. i dont know and cant think of, for the death of me, what sorts of things i like to do, what activities i enjoy. i miss christine and shayne. ive talked to them recently which has brightened up my world a great deal. but they arent here with me. but i wish they were. i miss deanna. listening to blonde redhead hurts the most cause of her. i miss our good times, i miss haveing her friendship. and hanging out with her, going shopping at heb, and to starbucks. geting fucked up together, before it became tragic, at both our ends. im determind to make a change. starting now and soon. wont simply say now, because its not quite that easy. but im gona do something about this. im gona stay home more and start looking for a job. im gona start smokin weed again and just become a stoner. like ive been wanting and needing to for the longest time. im gona create a life agian. one that consists of living. activities. hobbies. good times. fuck maybe i should start drinking or something? who knows. but im doin somethin about this. maybe once myself and brian get a job we will be able to afford a car, and life wont be so difficult to get around in. if anybody that reads this, catches me falling off and not remembering to stick to all of this, slap me!. knock me out, drag me home, and remind me that i want to change all this. ..please.. xo.sami 8 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

[11 Jan 2006|01:43am] new liiivejournal little_bird56 http://www.livejournal.com/users/little_bird56/ xo.sami 2 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

who knows where thoughts come from? they just appear [30 Dec 2005|04:17pm] [ music | flying lizards ] The best things in life are free But you can give them to the birds and bees I want money (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) You love gives me such a thrill But your love won't pay my bills I want money (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) Money don't get everything it's true But what it don't get I can't use I want money (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) That's what I want (That's what I want) I want money I want lots of money In fact I want so much money Give me your money Just give me money whos doing what for new years eve? 2 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

[30 Nov 2005|01:41pm] uhm.. i just really like that picture!! haha and iiii miss josh! hes amazing!! to be doing what hes doing ( heres some pics! ) 2 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

mmhm ..bitch! [07 Nov 2005|06:47pm] [ music | self - trunk fulla amps mothafuckaaa ] The chart below compares the number of deaths attributable to selected substances in a typical year: Tobacco...............................340,000 - 395,000 Alcohol (excluding crime/accidents).............125,000+ Drug Overdose (prescription)............24,000 - 27,000 Drug Overdose (illegal)...................3,800 - 5,200 Marijuana.............................................0 *Source: U.S. Government Bureau of Mortality Statistics, 1987 6 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

i love this alot for some reason.. [02 Nov 2005|01:34am] Finn: They say he hasn't slept in like over a year. Danny: Bullshit! Finn: Naw, it's true. I've never seen him sleep. Seriously. Danny: Have you ever seen Queen Elizabeth sleep? Finn: No, why, is she a tweaker? Danny: [pause] Yes. That's my point. 4 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

i gota trunk fulla amps mother fucker [16 Oct 2005|08:10pm] [ music | self ] so shady died :( my little kitten who was the cutest fucking thing ever. she was pretty much a dog. she ate anything and chased her tail constantly, the little tard. so -rip- shady. other than that, the rebels show was wednesday and that was pretty badass. ...okay it was really fuckin badass actually! i finally got to see my timmy!!! so that was the best thing ever! the guys played a great show, i love seein them. that night was badass, even tho i didnt end up spending the whole time with tim like i had planned to. christina picked me up from the sanctuary and we just chilled all night n the next day and did what we did. i love that girl! shes the shitt n fun as hell um? oh then thurs night the guys came back to san antonio after their show in austin to stay at that guys house again, and when they got in SA around 5 tim came and picked me up and i just went and hung out at dudes house with timmy!! and the guys in the band. it was a funnn night ;) haha and then when evvvveryone there passed out (except me, of course!) i got picked up by some buddys and just was out all day like usual. most of the day we were out at this guys house who is very badass, i could definetly get to know him better some. haha yeah iduno what else? days havent been so bad. so shit its all nice to me. it is alllllllll nice. oh! and i start community service at the sherrifs department tommorrow. (maybe. if i wake up?) sooo that should be a trip. get to fuck around on their computers all day, and file their papers. ill be entertained. ithinkishouldgetmyselfafuckbuddy. haha mhm that would be nice mmhm xo.♥.sami 4 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

big bucks no whammys! [04 Oct 2005|06:29am] [ music | calla ] tonight was pretty chill some people came over, then it ended up just bein kino n sarah here. i hadnt seen them in forever!! i miss them fucks! oh and i fucking love sarah! haha shes the shit! we just chiiiillllled ..and for some reason we talked alot about like.. sexual shit, like fetishes, and how weird some of that shit is.. and the kind of porn/turn-ons that just make you say --"por que?!" aaaand i duno you kinda had to be there. today me and my sister are goin to get -the starting line- (who i mostly wana see. duh!) & fall out boy ticketss!!! finally (she says they could be sold out ...i declare NO. just..no) andandandandand the motherfucking HIM tickets!!!! (which OBVIOUSLY means a fuckofalot more to me than falloutboy and whatnot. this show is gona be soooo dope! & i mean.. jesus christ himself could offer me his super powers in trade for going to the HIM show..and i would not hesitate for a moment to turn him doowwwwwn! way down) yeah, for serious. incase you didnt already know it.. this: is (one of) my future ex-husbands. im gona go lay in bed, watch tv, and eat a lil of this dry-cereal-medley i made. yea, its fucking delicious! ohh and i got to see corey toniiight! havent seen him in forever so that was really awesome! i miss that guy! oh and johhny came over the other day, which was ..i dont even know? it was really, really nice to see him for once. but at the same time..it actually (and i knew it would) kind of hurt me.. but, yeah, i really dont even know what to say about this/that.. i really love that guy tho, and miss him.. terribly. and i do mean that even if its just as friends. i just wana be there for him. well.. i am, and will be no matter what, so really, i guess i just want him to realize it. and know it. and allow it, let it.. (one of the worst pains ive ever felt, is wanting to be there for someone, and you cant be..but..theres nothing you can do about it, its outa your hands. alls you can do is sit and wonder. and hear about all the things you just didnt stop from happening. you wanted to.. but you just didnt) 7 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

alive without control [19 Sep 2005|07:13pm] anybody goin/wana go see the black halos on the 28th? at the sanctuary. its gona be a badass show! for real! go! lemme know, k!? http://www.myspace.com/blackhalos {edit} ohh! and the river city rebels show is on october 12th!! i HAAAAAAVE to go! ..or i will die! whos goin? 3 good things . [ [ wont ] ] . last forever

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