i fake it so real i am beyond fake

every little thing

2006-08-27T18:59:15Z

im always gona worry about the things that could make us cold

i hate sleeping all by myself at night. (or anytime of day for that matter.) and its been really hard to. i dont know how many times ive woken up during each night. its been EVERY night since brian hasnt been here. i keep waking up before my alarm clock has the chance to. (which, its been set to 7 or 8 am mostly)

aaand...... and i still keep wishing, and waking up thinkin that hes gona be here too. i dont remember my dreams, but i still really think that thats what ive been dreaming about.
i keep goin to bed thinking that, by tomorow things will finally work out and itll only be a few hours til hes home. (he says, home is where the heart is. turns out that silly sayings true. hes my home.)
(but.. yesterday was tomorow aand today was tomorow. and tomorow probably wont be tomorow like he & i both need it to be.)

im hopeless without brian. i couldnt care less about ANYthing not havin to do with him, & getin him out. im very very lonesom. and no matter how many people surround me, without this one person that made/makes me stronger, im gona feel alone & like i am all. by. myself. cause at the end of every night, ever since we've been together, i havent(cant) feel right, or okay, or well, if he isnt with me.

he helped make me such a better, stronger girl. more brave, & fearless, & smarter, & so much more sure of myself and my ability to speak/stand up for myself. if it werent for brian caring for me or pushing me & not makin everything easy & candy coated for me, the way that he has... i wouldnt have learned what i have, wouldnt have these MUCH better (&hopeful) views of the world or my life.. im finally interested in having/finding real interests again, like i know i used to. im just.. im so curious now, i wana learn MORE about things he has told me alittle bit about. hes taught me TONS of little things here & there. about everything from knife throwing &fights, to dogs &breeding them, playing pool to cooking pancakes(&NOT burnin them!) from guns to lots of history about san antonio and other countrys.
(its amazing to me, how much he knows about his familys history, and how interesting it all is!)
since ive been with brian, ive done so many things for the first time that i never wouldve done if it werent with him. i learned about/how to throw knifes!! in 1 weekend(2days!) i went to canyon lake, rode on a boat, &got pulled on a tube behind the boat (i duno what you call that?), the next day, i went to the shooting range and got to shoot skeet with their shotguns! i had never done ANY of those things that weekend, plus, in those 2days, i was more active &did more, used more strength, than i had.... in probably years! i got tough that weekend hah im SO so so much less lazy now. i keep my room up &his too, i make (sometimes even COOK) us something to eat. wash laundry more, &his. and i dont mind doing any of it like i used to. inless i dont feel well or something. i dont ENJOY it, but i do kinda like it, i know hes glad that im not as lazy, and i definetly am too.

its like i finally got what ive needed in me to not only consider a/my future, but actually think about what i might want to be happening in it. now i actually care if im happy or will be. i care if i can feel (for) anything, & whether or not i can even tell if i am. for the first time, in a long time, i can actually feel alive. more and more, ive felt like a living being.

and i know for a fucking fact, that if it wasnt for brian, for him enlightening me, and saving me, and loving me, without brian, i dont know if, how, or when any of this wouldve happened for me, i certainly wouldnt have any hope for it in me.

what he has done for me, is absolutely beautiful. and i am eternally greatful, and thankful for it all. im more than happy to be his girl.
i love him. and im missing him very very, very very much.
..and i need him back.
im his little dinosaur. and this little dinosaur, she misses blian.
he is my very own very special -baby puppy- (said with a russian accent)
!!

im goin to put money in his western union thing now
xo
.sami.(manthalebantha)

help a brother out

2006-05-20T20:45:46Z

its not fun anymore. not at all like it once was.
it hasnt been for a long, long time. only lately, im starting to become more and more aware of it.

im sittin here listening to blonde redhead..and its hurting me. physically, i can feel this acheing. not for being sober. but for missing life. living.

i am no longer a living being. im in dire need of a LIFE again. in every sense of the term but the breatheing of air. i do nothing. i know no one. all i have in this world is brian. which, needless to say, i am eternally greatful for. but times are wearing on me. terribly. i need friends. i need hobbies. i need things to do. im sick of being pathetic. i have no one that i can simply go and hang out with. just to have fun. and even if i did find someone... what would i wana do. where would i wana go. ..i have no clue. i dont know and cant think of, for the death of me, what sorts of things i like to do, what activities i enjoy.

i miss christine and shayne. ive talked to them recently which has brightened up my world a great deal. but they arent here with me. but i wish they were. i miss deanna. listening to blonde redhead hurts the most cause of her. i miss our good times, i miss haveing her friendship. and hanging out with her, going shopping at heb, and to starbucks. geting fucked up together, before it became tragic, at both our ends.

im determind to make a change. starting now and soon. wont simply say now, because its not quite that easy. but im gona do something about this. im gona stay home more and start looking for a job. im gona start smokin weed again and just become a stoner. like ive been wanting and needing to for the longest time.
im gona create a life agian. one that consists of living. activities. hobbies. good times. fuck maybe i should start drinking or something? who knows. but im doin somethin about this.

maybe once myself and brian get a job we will be able to afford a car, and life wont be so difficult to get around in.

if anybody that reads this, catches me falling off and not remembering to stick to all of this, slap me!. knock me out, drag me home, and remind me that i want to change all this. ..please..

xo.sami

an_anorexia_lie @ 2006-01-11T01:43:00

2006-01-11T07:44:20Z

new liiivejournal

little_bird56
http://www.livejournal.com/users/little_bird56/

xo.sami

who knows where thoughts come from? they just appear

2005-12-30T22:19:36Z

The best things in life are free
But you can give them to the birds and bees
I want money

(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)

You love gives me such a thrill
But your love won't pay my bills
I want money

(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)

Money don't get everything it's true
But what it don't get I can't use
I want money

(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)
That's what I want
(That's what I want)

I want money
I want lots of money
In fact I want so much money
Give me your money
Just give me money

whos doing what for new years eve?

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-11-30T13:41:00

2005-11-30T19:51:09Z

uhm.. i just really like that picture!! haha
and iiii miss josh! hes amazing!! to be doing what hes doing

hes my hero! :D

mmhm ..bitch!

2005-11-08T00:53:08Z

The chart below compares the number of deaths
attributable to selected substances in a typical year:

Tobacco...............................340,000 - 395,000
Alcohol (excluding crime/accidents).............125,000+
Drug Overdose (prescription)............24,000 - 27,000
Drug Overdose (illegal)...................3,800 - 5,200
Marijuana.............................................0

*Source: U.S. Government Bureau of Mortality Statistics, 1987

i love this alot for some reason..

2005-11-02T07:34:40Z

Finn: They say he hasn't slept in like over a year.
Danny: Bullshit!
Finn: Naw, it's true. I've never seen him sleep. Seriously.
Danny: Have you ever seen Queen Elizabeth sleep?
Finn: No, why, is she a tweaker?
Danny: [pause] Yes. That's my point.

i gota trunk fulla amps mother fucker

2005-10-17T01:36:30Z

so shady died :( my little kitten who was the cutest fucking thing ever. she was pretty much a dog. she ate anything and chased her tail constantly, the little tard. so -rip- shady.

other than that, the rebels show was wednesday and that was pretty badass. ...okay it was really fuckin badass actually! i finally got to see my timmy!!! so that was the best thing ever! the guys played a great show, i love seein them.
that night was badass, even tho i didnt end up spending the whole time with tim like i had planned to. christina picked me up from the sanctuary and we just chilled all night n the next day and did what we did. i love that girl! shes the shitt n fun as hell

um? oh then thurs night the guys came back to san antonio after their show in austin to stay at that guys house again, and when they got in SA around 5 tim came and picked me up and i just went and hung out at dudes house with timmy!! and the guys in the band. it was a funnn night ;) haha and then when evvvveryone there passed out (except me, of course!) i got picked up by some buddys and just was out all day like usual.
most of the day we were out at this guys house who is very badass, i could definetly get to know him better some. haha

yeah iduno what else? days havent been so bad. so shit its all nice to me. it is alllllllll nice.

oh! and i start community service at the sherrifs department tommorrow. (maybe. if i wake up?) sooo that should be a trip. get to fuck around on their computers all day, and file their papers. ill be entertained.

ithinkishouldgetmyselfafuckbuddy. haha mhm that would be nice

mmhm

xo.♥.sami

big bucks no whammys!

2005-10-04T12:18:34Z

tonight was pretty chill

some people came over, then it ended up just bein kino n sarah here. i hadnt seen them in forever!! i miss them fucks! oh and i fucking love sarah! haha shes the shit!
we just chiiiillllled ..and for some reason we talked alot about like.. sexual shit, like fetishes, and how weird some of that shit is.. and the kind of porn/turn-ons that just make you say --"por que?!" aaaand i duno you kinda had to be there.

today me and my sister are goin to get -the starting line- (who i mostly wana see. duh!) & fall out boy ticketss!!! finally (she says they could be sold out ...i declare NO. just..no)
andandandandand the motherfucking HIM tickets!!!!
(which OBVIOUSLY means a fuckofalot more to me than falloutboy and whatnot. this show is gona be soooo dope! & i mean.. jesus christ himself could offer me his super powers in trade for going to the HIM show..and i would not hesitate for a moment to turn him doowwwwwn! way down)
yeah, for serious.

incase you didnt already know it.. this:

is (one of) my future ex-husbands.

im gona go lay in bed, watch tv, and eat a lil of this dry-cereal-medley i made. yea, its fucking delicious!

ohh and i got to see corey toniiight! havent seen him in forever so that was really awesome! i miss that guy!

oh and johhny came over the other day, which was ..i dont even know? it was really, really nice to see him for once. but at the same time..it actually (and i knew it would) kind of hurt me.. but, yeah, i really dont even know what to say about this/that.. i really love that guy tho, and miss him.. terribly. and i do mean that even if its just as friends. i just wana be there for him. well.. i am, and will be no matter what, so really, i guess i just want him to realize it. and know it. and allow it, let it..

(one of the worst pains ive ever felt, is wanting to be there for someone, and you cant be..but..theres nothing you can do about it, its outa your hands. alls you can do is sit and wonder. and hear about all the things you just didnt stop from happening. you wanted to.. but you just didnt)

alive without control

2005-09-20T00:15:07Z

anybody goin/wana go see the black halos on the 28th?
at the sanctuary. its gona be a badass show!
for real! go!
lemme know, k!?

http://www.myspace.com/blackhalos

{edit}
ohh! and the river city rebels show is on october 12th!!
i HAAAAAAVE to go! ..or i will die!
whos goin?

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-09-15T03:48:00

2005-09-15T08:49:59Z

Why can't you just admit it, you've had it, you're
sick of me
You're fed up with all my bad habits, you're
sick of me
To your lies you've become so desensitized
sick of me
Lost regrets and you say that your mad at me
sick of me
Wonderin' out the door
I am on to you
Your comin' back for more
Am I losing you?
Like a dog that just pissed on your barbecue
sick of me
Losin' faith and you still don't know what to do
sick of me
Losin' health and now you hate everything and you're
sick of me
It's a waste but we still keep on tryin' you're
sick of me
Wonderin' out the door
I am on to you
Your comin' back for more
Am I losing you?
So you got your problems
So you got it alright
Do you have a conscience?
Do you have a reason?
Well I'm sick of you too.
Wonderin' out the door
I am on to you
Your comin' back for more
Am I losing you?

...................................

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.
So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.
I was a lonely soul, I had nobody ‘till I met you.
But you, keeping me waiting, all of the time
What can I do?
It’s your life, and you can do what you wanna do.
Do what you like, but please don’t keep me waitin’
Please don’t keep me waitin’,
Cuz im so tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.
So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.
I was a lonely soul, I had nobody ‘till I met you.
But you, keeping me waiting, all of the time
What can I do?
It’s your life, and you can do what you wanna do.
Do what you like, but please don’t keep me waitin’.
Please don’t keep me waitin’.
Cuz im so tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.
So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.
For you
For you

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-09-13T17:32:00

2005-09-13T22:33:54Z

i need new people to hang out with

i really hope my hand doesnt fall off.
or die or something like that?! that wouuld suck so bad.

damnit! why did i let him take them?!
sonofabitch

!!!shiny toy guns!!!
!!republic!!
!scissor sisters!
scary kids scaring kids
bloc party
natasha bedingfield
mew

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-09-11T12:13:00

2005-09-11T17:13:09Z

Dear God,

Make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-09-10T00:30:00

2005-09-10T05:30:28Z

This is the life on mars

He said, "Can you hear me, are you sleeping"
She said, "Will you rape me now?"
He said, "Leave the politics to mad men"
She said, "I believe your lies"
He said, "There’s a paradise beneath me"
She said, "Am I supposed to bleed?"
He said, "You better pray to Jesus"
She said, "I don’t believe in god"

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-09-07T04:07:00

2005-09-07T09:23:52Z

i love you so much!
so fucking much..

you've always been a great friend to me, and i just want you to be okay.
all i want, with every inch of me, more than anything is for you to be okay. you mean more to me than any of the bullshit going on, and i want to help you.
i just want you here with me, away from any trouble, or hurt. i want to keep you safe, and ill do anything i have to to try. ill deal with and go through anything i have to to be there for you.

i love you.
and i dont want you to ever leave (me), i dont want you to be sad, ever. or hurt, or cry or bleed. or ever feel like youre alone, or like no one is there for you..
i need you. and it seems like you might need me too.. and ill be here.
i'd be happy if it was just you and me. nothing would be better.

i told you before, if you go down.. i go down. i couldnt stop it if i tried.

please be okay.
iloveyou
♥

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-08-30T02:57:00

2005-08-30T07:59:06Z

You can't describe it,
unless youve seen it.
You can't explain it,
unless youve done it.
You can't imagine it,
unless youve been there.

Then, it never goes away.

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-08-26T18:35:00

2005-08-26T23:35:39Z

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what i choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-08-23T03:44:00

2005-08-23T08:45:53Z

Fed up with all that LSD
Need more sleep than coke or methamphetamines
Late nights with warm, warm whiskey
I guess the good times they were all just killing me

Got dirt, got air, got water and I know you can carry on
The good times are killing me
Enough hair of the dog to make myself an entire rug
The good times are killing me
Have one, have twenty more "one mores" and oh it does not relent
The good times are killing me
Shit-kicker city slickers who all wanted me dead
The good times are killing me

Get sucked in and stuck in late nights
with more folks that I don't know
The good times are killing me

its all nice on ice, alright

2005-08-21T15:50:51Z

so yeah adam has been painting all this dope shit on johnnys wall. its so badass

!!!
today is the greenday concert :)
so far its me and johnny, and maaaaybe emily if shes still up for it, and i duno who else? i have 4 tickets all together. i think maybe aja wanted to go? iiiiii duno i'll figure it out eventually?
so yeah ive pretty much just been staying at johnnys allllll the time lately. its been really badass, lotsa fun. some bullshit here and there, but for the most part its all good.
so johnny had to do shit at his parents house this morning, then i think at sometime hes gona come get me and we are gona go chill at his place and im supposed to go look for a new phone (FINALLY! my phone is the biggest piece of shit since ever) aaaand maybe finally go swimming (like we've been saying we would since i started goin over there, and we still havent?!?) and then GREENDAY!! :) yay

its been really dope hangin out with the people i have been lately. like over at johns.

ohohohhh! i got a new kitty!! well.. kinda. we are keeping one of the kittens that my sisters cat had, and so technically its my sisters cat. which is good. cuz i didnt want to keep any of the little shits. they smell. but anyway its so fucking cute!

at first.. i was just calling it fatty. but then now my sister is saying she wants to name it either "gucci" or "flirt" ..which, i think, are two of the absolute dumbest names ive ever heard. ever.
so i decided im gona call it madame hollywood its the best name ever. it first this cat so fucking well. (well thats its name atleast until i get a little dog to name that, then the cats name has to be changed, no way in hell will my dog share its name with a fucking cat)
plus! ...okay so when i told my sister the name Madame Hollywood, she said it sounded like a drag queen name (which yeah, it does) ..and well, my sister still doesnt know whether its a boy or a girl yet.. and i personally havent bothered and/or wanted to check, so... having a 'drag queen' name for the cat only seems fit, right?
well fuckshit i dont care, either way. the cats name is -madame hollywood- and it is my little drag queen cat.
cutest little glamour cunt ever

!!!

well time to go tend to some business. make some calls.

xo.cheers
♥sami

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-08-13T15:10:00

2005-08-13T20:14:30Z

the past couple days have been pretty gnarly
ive just been hangin out at johnnys alot, pretty much this whole past week. except for friday, i came home and slept litterally the whole day. that was neat :)

so yeah now im waitin for john to get outa work and hopefully i can go hang out there today/night and probly the rest of the weekend. cuz when i go over there.. i never seem to go home when im supposed to? haha
but my moms cool with it, im pretty sure she likes johnny more than most other people.
i think i do too. but that son of a bitch kept messin with my head and confusing the hell out of me the other night! and he was doin in on purpose! bastard

my nose hurts so bad?! it feels like i got punched in the face? hah maybe i got hit and dont remember? its possible. i think my nose gona be broken by the end of the weekend hah

time to shower

bye bitches

xo

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-08-05T08:02:00

2005-08-05T13:18:44Z

you dance with the devil, the devil dont change. the devil changes you

--"There's three rules in life: one, there's always a victim; two, don't be it."
-"And three?"
--"I forgot what three is."

!!!

2005-08-02T17:49:51Z

k so lately my computer (or apparently it's my monitor/screen thing) yeah it likes to be a son of a bitch and randomly stop working for a couple days.. and then randomly starts working right again, like nothing ever happened?

what the hell?!? my computer is a fucktard!!

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-07-26T23:56:00

2005-07-27T05:06:25Z

its you that i adore
you will always be my whore

tough-n-sleezy. rough-n-easy ;)

with me being his very own southern bell, it just seems natural to see him turn up in a picture like this haha :P
k if he could actually do it, get to texas to do his thing..be my hero, romance the fuck outa me, rescue/kidnap me takin me way far from el bullshit that is san antonio.. if it happened for us.. i would soo want him to rescue me while dressed lookin like this!! haha that would be hott

gota love a guy whos proud of the work he does haha yessss i got myself a hard working fella
aww :\ right now i just wana be able to mess and fuck around with that hair! its fun :) i love it hehe

that there is timmy posin with the most darling lina <3!!!
tim says lina's his best buddy, so that means she is just fantastic :) she wants to adopt me and keep me in her pocket ..which im seriously so down for! i love miss lina a bunch! im glad timmys got a friend like her <3

mi bebe y mi amor
i lovelovelove them to death
♥♥♥♥
i love my daddy!!!

in you i see dirty
in you i count stars
in you i feel so pretty
in you i taste god
in you i feel so hungry
in you i crash cars
we must never be apart

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-07-21T18:54:00

2005-07-21T23:55:19Z

Something has left my life,
And I don't know where it went to
Somebody caused me strife,
And it's not what I was seeking.

Didn't you see me, didn't you hear me?
Didn't you see me standing there?
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping?

Say a prayer for me,
Help me to feel the strenght, I did.
My identity, has it been taken?
Is my heart breakin' on me?

All my plans fell thought my hands,
They fell thought my hands on me.
All my dreams it suddenly seems,
It suddenly seems,
Empty

an_anorexia_lie @ 2005-07-21T18:48:00

2005-07-21T23:48:29Z

Life is not what I thought it was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You